I hate 'social obligation.' I usually feel this in smaller social situations For example:
When I haven't seen someone in a while but didn't realize it.
Them: Did you miss me?
Me: Well, no...
Did you see what that was? I was supposed to say 'yes.' Even if it was a lie, I was supposed to say 'yes.'
I experienced a bigger source of social obligation this weekend.While at Christmas Mass, a girl walked to the podium to sing a solo of "O Holy Night." Before she sang a note I knew that the audience was going to applaud. It is the same song every year. Of course there was applause at the end of the song. (A lady behind me applauded prematurely. There must be some reward for initiating social traditions) I didn't applaud. It wasn't bad, but it didn't move me to show my gratitude.
What is applause? Isn't it used to indicate to a performer that they had a performance so moving to the audience that they feel compelled to show their gratitude? A standing ovation should be an even stronger indication of appreciation. However, these actions have cheapened to such an extent that we must applaud everything.
This is probably related to my seasonal fight against political correctness. I will wish whomever I want a 'Merry Christmas.' If someone wished me a 'Happy Hannakuh' I wouldn't be offended. I'd say 'Thank you.' The fact is it is Hannakuh and it is Christmas and sometimes it is Ramadan (Let's face it is never Kwanzaa.) If someone wished me a Shalom on Yom Kippur I'd say "Thank you. You too." Just because I'm not Jewish doesn't mean it isn't Hannakuh right now.
I'm not existential.
Okay that's it for now.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
Homeostasis
I feel like I am slowly getting back to normal. This semester has been the hardest of my educational career. At times, however, I have had some of the greatest and most rewarding experiences. The lows have been the lowest, but the highs the highest. I know that's vague but I don't care. If you know me, you'll know what I am talking about.
That being said, the lows have mostly been things that are temporary. School work, work work, some family things.
I haven't been too broken up over my parents separating. It was inevitable and necessary.
The highs this semester have undoubtedly been amazing. I have made some very good friends this semster and got to know some older friends better. Friends are my favorite part of life.
My anxiety level has decreased dramatically. There is finally a light at the end of this semester.
I found some fun, free music.
This last weekend was fun I saw Junebug at the Moxie, Jerry Seinfeld at JKHHPA, the funkadelic (or was it funkalicious?) C-Club at the Outland, and Santa riding an elephant. All with my best friend. What more could I ask?
That being said, the lows have mostly been things that are temporary. School work, work work, some family things.
I haven't been too broken up over my parents separating. It was inevitable and necessary.
The highs this semester have undoubtedly been amazing. I have made some very good friends this semster and got to know some older friends better. Friends are my favorite part of life.
My anxiety level has decreased dramatically. There is finally a light at the end of this semester.
I found some fun, free music.
This last weekend was fun I saw Junebug at the Moxie, Jerry Seinfeld at JKHHPA, the funkadelic (or was it funkalicious?) C-Club at the Outland, and Santa riding an elephant. All with my best friend. What more could I ask?
Sunday, October 30, 2005
A Fable
Once, there were two friends named Joseph and Henry. They went to the forest on a crisp autumn day to go camping. They set up camp under a large maple tree that was glowing with red and orange leaves. They started a campfire and made dinner. The crisp autumn day slipped into a cold, dark night. They threw on more and more logs to keep the fire going. The flames reached higher and higher. Neither one thought about why they kept throwing on more logs but both continued to pile on the firewood. The flames soon kissed the leaves of the maple tree. As the friends were reaching for more wood, a couple singed leaves fell to the ground between them. They looked at the leaves and then at each other.
"We must stop throwing logs onto this fire, Joseph," said Henry.
"I agree," said Joseph, "If we don't, we may burn down the entire forest."
The two friends then sat in their chairs and watched their creation slowly recede. The flames melted under the maple tree ever so slowly.
"I think it's time to hit the hay," said Henry.
"I am not ready to go to sleep yet," said Joseph, "You go on ahead I am going to sit by our fire a little while longer."
Henry went into the tent and fell into a deep slumber. Joseph sat by the fire and watched it slowly die. He noticed the tiny sparks that came out of the wetter, green wood. He watched the hot coals brooding under the house of flame. The evening passed and Joseph continued to stand vigil over the campfire. The flames shrank to Joseph height, then to his waist, and to just enough to peek out over the last of the wood. Joseph followed the tiny puff of smoke the the final flame released with its last breath. The sky lightened as the coals faded. Joseph shivered violently but continued to sit close to the once majestic campfire. The sun peered over the horizon and some of the coals faded. The sun was halfway exposed when one coal remained.
The one coal, Joseph observed, began at a constant light but began to flicker and fade as if winking. Henry emerged from the tent.
"You're up early," said Henry.
"I never left," said Joseph.
Henry was perplexed
"Why are you staring at those ashes?" asked Henry.
"I'm not," said Joseph, "I am watching the last bit of our fire."
The final coal blinked on and off. The pauses between the lit became longer and the lit time became shorter. Finally, the coal winked at Joseph its last time.
"How could you sit there and watch that all night?" asked Henry.
"How could you go to bed?" asked Joseph.
The friends looked at each other and tried to figure out what had changed.
"Let's go," said Joseph.
The men tore down the tent and packed all their gear. Before they left the forest, Joseph looked at the pile of ashes one last time. He picked up his gear and headed home.
"We must stop throwing logs onto this fire, Joseph," said Henry.
"I agree," said Joseph, "If we don't, we may burn down the entire forest."
The two friends then sat in their chairs and watched their creation slowly recede. The flames melted under the maple tree ever so slowly.
"I think it's time to hit the hay," said Henry.
"I am not ready to go to sleep yet," said Joseph, "You go on ahead I am going to sit by our fire a little while longer."
Henry went into the tent and fell into a deep slumber. Joseph sat by the fire and watched it slowly die. He noticed the tiny sparks that came out of the wetter, green wood. He watched the hot coals brooding under the house of flame. The evening passed and Joseph continued to stand vigil over the campfire. The flames shrank to Joseph height, then to his waist, and to just enough to peek out over the last of the wood. Joseph followed the tiny puff of smoke the the final flame released with its last breath. The sky lightened as the coals faded. Joseph shivered violently but continued to sit close to the once majestic campfire. The sun peered over the horizon and some of the coals faded. The sun was halfway exposed when one coal remained.
The one coal, Joseph observed, began at a constant light but began to flicker and fade as if winking. Henry emerged from the tent.
"You're up early," said Henry.
"I never left," said Joseph.
Henry was perplexed
"Why are you staring at those ashes?" asked Henry.
"I'm not," said Joseph, "I am watching the last bit of our fire."
The final coal blinked on and off. The pauses between the lit became longer and the lit time became shorter. Finally, the coal winked at Joseph its last time.
"How could you sit there and watch that all night?" asked Henry.
"How could you go to bed?" asked Joseph.
The friends looked at each other and tried to figure out what had changed.
"Let's go," said Joseph.
The men tore down the tent and packed all their gear. Before they left the forest, Joseph looked at the pile of ashes one last time. He picked up his gear and headed home.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Drop the Pop...er.. Soda.
Well, it has certainly been much better this week than last.
I got my car back today, new transmission and all. My next investment in the car will be a sledge hammer...So I can beat the SHIT out of it.
I am listening to None More Black. I think this is pretty good writing music. Not to hard to be distracting but not so soft to put me and my senses to sleep.
Even though I haven't had a car for a week, I haven't felt to terrible about it. Look at Gulf Coast for christ's sake!
Story is coming along. It has taken a back seat to other things. My procrastination will come back to bite me in the ass. But I don't have to worry about that now.
Got a new CD in the mail yesterday. It rocks my socks. And only 5 songs. Who knew?
Off work Friday. It's the little things.
I got my car back today, new transmission and all. My next investment in the car will be a sledge hammer...So I can beat the SHIT out of it.
I am listening to None More Black. I think this is pretty good writing music. Not to hard to be distracting but not so soft to put me and my senses to sleep.
Even though I haven't had a car for a week, I haven't felt to terrible about it. Look at Gulf Coast for christ's sake!
Story is coming along. It has taken a back seat to other things. My procrastination will come back to bite me in the ass. But I don't have to worry about that now.
Got a new CD in the mail yesterday. It rocks my socks. And only 5 songs. Who knew?
Off work Friday. It's the little things.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Impending doom and other hyperbole
I am feeling awful about work.
I was told to stop giving the new people a hard time, namely the new girls. Just because I have an ingrained sense of duty that makes me more masochistic than I'd like to believe, doesn't mean that I am not a faithful worker.
Mom's going to lose her job. Thank you Bush's America.
I am listening to Kid Dynamite's CBGB reunion. Where would I be without music? I am too frightened to answer that.
First week of class and I already feel the weight of 18 hours grinding me into the dirt.
Story is coming along quite nicely, however.
I am in such a funk. Need something, some person, some idea new.
I was told to stop giving the new people a hard time, namely the new girls. Just because I have an ingrained sense of duty that makes me more masochistic than I'd like to believe, doesn't mean that I am not a faithful worker.
Mom's going to lose her job. Thank you Bush's America.
I am listening to Kid Dynamite's CBGB reunion. Where would I be without music? I am too frightened to answer that.
First week of class and I already feel the weight of 18 hours grinding me into the dirt.
Story is coming along quite nicely, however.
I am in such a funk. Need something, some person, some idea new.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Since August 1st, huh? Let's recap.
I went home a couple weekends ago. It's still the same. Everyone is the same except my grandparents. They are unfortunately older. I went to my last Cards game at THE Busch Stadium. Nose bleed seats. Just how I like it.
I continue to have the feeling that I am being increasingly difficult to be around. I lash out at people. I do end up regretting it. Not only that but I am so mopey around my freinds. This is true until a particular element is added: Alcohol, specifically beer.
A couple nights ago I went to a party for the first time in a long time. I got to see a bunch of old friends and I felt comfortable thanks, in part, to my lowered social inhibitions throught the use of beer. I have two theories on this:
A. I am becoming a dependent alcoholic. I don't think this is too likely because I really don't drink that much. I work to often to have time to drink.
B. My own personal social inhibitions are ridiculously high. In other words, I think I may have a case of social anxiety. (I don't believe it is a disorder so it isn't a case of SAD).
School, school, school. I got all A's during the summer. That was grand. The 18 hours next semester is quite intimidating. We'll see how that works out.
Vice-President Cheney is in town today and there is a disappointing (and disturbing) lack of protestors.
My tape deck in my car is starting to die on me. This hurts me more than when I had my front end smashed up. I am praying that it won't die for the next, oh, 5 years. Not likely. If I decide to put a CD player in it, it will be interesting to see the stereo guys try to find a place of it in the dash of a Buick Skylark.
I like have old people possesions. My old person car, the car seat beads, my salvation army furniture, my old person shoes (they're so comfortable). Maybe it is ironic or maybe I just like comfort over fashion. Maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.
Yeah for hockey!
I went home a couple weekends ago. It's still the same. Everyone is the same except my grandparents. They are unfortunately older. I went to my last Cards game at THE Busch Stadium. Nose bleed seats. Just how I like it.
I continue to have the feeling that I am being increasingly difficult to be around. I lash out at people. I do end up regretting it. Not only that but I am so mopey around my freinds. This is true until a particular element is added: Alcohol, specifically beer.
A couple nights ago I went to a party for the first time in a long time. I got to see a bunch of old friends and I felt comfortable thanks, in part, to my lowered social inhibitions throught the use of beer. I have two theories on this:
A. I am becoming a dependent alcoholic. I don't think this is too likely because I really don't drink that much. I work to often to have time to drink.
B. My own personal social inhibitions are ridiculously high. In other words, I think I may have a case of social anxiety. (I don't believe it is a disorder so it isn't a case of SAD).
School, school, school. I got all A's during the summer. That was grand. The 18 hours next semester is quite intimidating. We'll see how that works out.
Vice-President Cheney is in town today and there is a disappointing (and disturbing) lack of protestors.
My tape deck in my car is starting to die on me. This hurts me more than when I had my front end smashed up. I am praying that it won't die for the next, oh, 5 years. Not likely. If I decide to put a CD player in it, it will be interesting to see the stereo guys try to find a place of it in the dash of a Buick Skylark.
I like have old people possesions. My old person car, the car seat beads, my salvation army furniture, my old person shoes (they're so comfortable). Maybe it is ironic or maybe I just like comfort over fashion. Maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.
Yeah for hockey!
Monday, August 01, 2005
Wake up
Well, I finally posted again. I always think of stuff to write at the most inconvienient times.
Here's my rant of the day. I like punk music.
My favorite bands are Kid Dynamite, The Briggs, (old)Link 80. See any connection? Those raspy, straining, gritty vocals just get me pumped up.
Kid Dynamite is reuniting at CBGB's in New York. I am jealous.
Spanish is getting better.
This is good news.
Here's my rant of the day. I like punk music.
My favorite bands are Kid Dynamite, The Briggs, (old)Link 80. See any connection? Those raspy, straining, gritty vocals just get me pumped up.
Kid Dynamite is reuniting at CBGB's in New York. I am jealous.
Spanish is getting better.
This is good news.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
post-birthday musings
I have now been on this earth for 21 years.
I think I've learned a lot. (Obviously, I learned how to be verbose. Just look at that opening line.)
I drank gin, gin & tonics, whiskey, gin & tonic and Sierra Mist, Everclear, gin & Sierra Mist. This was all consumed early Tuesday morning in the span of about one and half or two hours.
Tuesday day, Greg came down and I had a pretty good time. I felt bad that I wasn't in full blown crazy "it's my birthday" mode. I think that's what Greg and everyone else expected from me. I just wasn't in the mood. After we went to th ebars however, I was having a good time just trying different beers.
I wanted to go to a drive in again but it was raing around us so I didn't want to get stuck in the mud in middle of cornfed nowhere.
I think I've learned a lot. (Obviously, I learned how to be verbose. Just look at that opening line.)
I drank gin, gin & tonics, whiskey, gin & tonic and Sierra Mist, Everclear, gin & Sierra Mist. This was all consumed early Tuesday morning in the span of about one and half or two hours.
Tuesday day, Greg came down and I had a pretty good time. I felt bad that I wasn't in full blown crazy "it's my birthday" mode. I think that's what Greg and everyone else expected from me. I just wasn't in the mood. After we went to th ebars however, I was having a good time just trying different beers.
I wanted to go to a drive in again but it was raing around us so I didn't want to get stuck in the mud in middle of cornfed nowhere.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Upon further review
I took out that photo.
I can't stand to look at it everytime I get on this blog.
That's all for today.
I can't stand to look at it everytime I get on this blog.
That's all for today.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Vain and Wicked
This is a photo of me. It is the only image of me on the internet. I don't think that is a good thing. Let me put this picture in context. As you may or may not see, I am wearing my Briggs shirt. I am drinking a CAN of Miller High Life. It is probably 10 in the morning. It was taken during Christmas break. I was feebly trying to grow a beard before I went back to work. I just got itchy. Seriously. This is probably how I will look on Tuesday. Smiling and holding a beer. Only this time, it will be legal.
I know not too many, if any, people have seen this site. I still have to post and start adding my page to other ones. Oh well. I am working on a new story. I hope to have it done before school starts.
Nothing new. Work still sucks. I want to go to a drive-in at least once this summer.
Fun time is over.
Friday, July 01, 2005
Thursday, June 30, 2005
In one of THOSE moods....
I can't help it. If I happen to be in a good mood something happens and I switch back to my natural angry self. I think my neutral face is a scowl. I don't like that. I don't want my first impression on people to be dislike. It's something else for me to work on.
I get to work a double on the 4th of July. This is my favorite holiday, yet this is the second year in a row that I am working on it. No overtime or anything like that. Maybe cold cuts.
I like Independence Day more than Christmas. I don't have to deal with family stuff on the 4th and I always associate it with a brisk July evening. Even though it will probably be around 98 degrees in the shade.
The Tin Drum is a fantastic book so far. The only problem is I haven't had too much inspiration on writing stories lately. I told myself I would get a resevoir of stories before the fall semester. Hopefully I will be able to think up some good stuf before then.
Hasta luego!
I get to work a double on the 4th of July. This is my favorite holiday, yet this is the second year in a row that I am working on it. No overtime or anything like that. Maybe cold cuts.
I like Independence Day more than Christmas. I don't have to deal with family stuff on the 4th and I always associate it with a brisk July evening. Even though it will probably be around 98 degrees in the shade.
The Tin Drum is a fantastic book so far. The only problem is I haven't had too much inspiration on writing stories lately. I told myself I would get a resevoir of stories before the fall semester. Hopefully I will be able to think up some good stuf before then.
Hasta luego!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Social Damage
I won $10 playing poker Friday. Overall I made $70 for the night. It will be swallowed by my school bill like a whale eating kelp.
I always have ideas about what to write. The problem is I never write them down because I am so confident in my ability to retain the specks of inspiration. I am such an ass.
I once took a test to see if I had any psychological abnormalities. Everything came back normal except I exhibited heightened narcassistic traits. That wasn't really a suprise.
I wish I had more friends. However, the ones I do have are amazing and patient. Patience is probably a neccessary quality if you want to be my friend. Otherwise, I'll just blow up in your face.
That's tough.
Anyway, I am amazed at how long I have kep this thing going. We'll see how it goes from here.
Later.
I always have ideas about what to write. The problem is I never write them down because I am so confident in my ability to retain the specks of inspiration. I am such an ass.
I once took a test to see if I had any psychological abnormalities. Everything came back normal except I exhibited heightened narcassistic traits. That wasn't really a suprise.
I wish I had more friends. However, the ones I do have are amazing and patient. Patience is probably a neccessary quality if you want to be my friend. Otherwise, I'll just blow up in your face.
That's tough.
Anyway, I am amazed at how long I have kep this thing going. We'll see how it goes from here.
Later.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Post Spanish Synopsis
I am taking Spanish this summer. I will be taking it all summer. I think that is significant enough to give this summer its title: My Spanish Summer.
I think there are a lot of things I need to do but I can't really think of them off hand.
I need to start writing again but there are too many distractions and I need a more structured or threatening environment to be inspired.
20 days until I'm 21!
I wish you, reader (notice the singular), a very happy Spanish summer.
I think there are a lot of things I need to do but I can't really think of them off hand.
I need to start writing again but there are too many distractions and I need a more structured or threatening environment to be inspired.
20 days until I'm 21!
I wish you, reader (notice the singular), a very happy Spanish summer.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
another Saturday afternoon
I know I am boring and I probably won't get any hits because I can't exactly figure this bolg thing out perfectly.
Don't I need tags or something? I don't know.
Anyhow, I am writing thank you letters to various parties for the scholarships I have received for the upcoming semester. I am going to write one good letter and one form letter. The good letter will go to the scholarship that gave me $600 and the form letter will go to the 3 smaller scholarships. I am not writing a unique letter for $35. Cheap skates.
Hopefully the Cards game will be on free TV later.
I am reading The World According to Garp. I am about halfway through. It ain't not bad.
The countdown to my birthday is 24 days.
That is all.
I told you I was exciting.
Don't I need tags or something? I don't know.
Anyhow, I am writing thank you letters to various parties for the scholarships I have received for the upcoming semester. I am going to write one good letter and one form letter. The good letter will go to the scholarship that gave me $600 and the form letter will go to the 3 smaller scholarships. I am not writing a unique letter for $35. Cheap skates.
Hopefully the Cards game will be on free TV later.
I am reading The World According to Garp. I am about halfway through. It ain't not bad.
The countdown to my birthday is 24 days.
That is all.
I told you I was exciting.
Friday, June 17, 2005
I'll probably forget this
I have ten minutesbefore I have to work.
I am Brian.
I am a writer or so I think.
I am easily distracted and might forget about this blog thing.
I write stories about interesting persons in pressing situations.
I have a story about a warden who is faced with his prison flooding.
Also I have a story about a punk going to his grandmother's funeral.
I am liberal.
I like Dorothy Parker, Sylvia Plath, Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters, and Philip Larkin.
I like punk music: Kid Dynamite, Alkaline Trio, Less Than Jake, The Toasters, and The Briggs.
That is enough for today. I will provide a better format and writing later. Enjoy and if you are one of the lucky who trip over this blog, feel free to give a suggestion or any other comment.
Have a nice day.
I am Brian.
I am a writer or so I think.
I am easily distracted and might forget about this blog thing.
I write stories about interesting persons in pressing situations.
I have a story about a warden who is faced with his prison flooding.
Also I have a story about a punk going to his grandmother's funeral.
I am liberal.
I like Dorothy Parker, Sylvia Plath, Spoon River Anthology by Edgar Lee Masters, and Philip Larkin.
I like punk music: Kid Dynamite, Alkaline Trio, Less Than Jake, The Toasters, and The Briggs.
That is enough for today. I will provide a better format and writing later. Enjoy and if you are one of the lucky who trip over this blog, feel free to give a suggestion or any other comment.
Have a nice day.
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